car door....

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

- Prince Philip

bad luck...

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

- Steven Wright

democracy...

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.

- Oscar Wilde

debt...

Debts are like children: the smaller they are the more noise they make.

- Spanish Proverb

anonymous....

For most of history, Anonymous was a woman.

- Virginia Woolf

forever....

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

- Steven Wright

educate america....

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

- Groucho Marx

successful man....

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

- Groucho Marx

story of america...

This is the story of America. Everybody's doing what they think they're supposed to do.

- Jack Kerouac

money/free.....

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

- Brendan Behan

pakistan...

Hum jo kaam haath mein lete hain, usey poora kartey hain....chahe woh desh ki azaadi ho, Pakistan mein batwara ho ya desh ko ikkiswin sadi mein le jaana ho.......

(We deliver what we promise, be it the independence struggle, dismemberment of Pakistan or leading the country into the 21st centure......)

- Rahul Gandhi

mature...

The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate.

- Douglas Engelbart

wait....

If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.

- Oscar Wilde

sexist...

...It's like marrying a girl because you've lived with her...

- Captain G Gopinath (on Jet-Sahara airlines merger)

philosopher......

There is only one thing a philosopher can be truly relied upon to do, and that is to contradict other philosophers.

- William James

friends.....

Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first.

- Peter Ustinov

tools....

Men have become tools of their tools.

- Henry David Thoreau

ugly...

You see me now, when I'm old and ugly. In fact you should have seen me earlier - when I was young and ugly!

- Zohra Segal

American Dream....

When I was a little kid 50 years ago, in 1946, the American Dream was a house and a car. Today the American Dream is winning American Idol. It's changed slightly.

In another 50 years from now when the economy collapses and everything is in threads and torn, the American Dream then, in 20-whatever, will be a house and a car.

- Mel Brooks

ambition...

To be happy at home is the ultimate result of all ambition.

- Samuel Johnson

Jain...

I do not know if there is rebirth or not, or life after death. But, if it is true, I would like to be born in India as a Jain.

- Albert Einstein

dishonest...

Me? I'm dishonest. And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly, it's the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly... stupid.

- Captain Jack Sparrow

perfect...

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.

- Alanis Morissette

temptation...

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

- Rita Mae Brown

feet on the ground....

Show me a man with both feet on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't put his pants on.

- Joe E. Lewis

fly...

If god wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets.

- Mel Brooks

journey...

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a delay of about three hours.

- Milton Berle

ugly...

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

- Dorothy Parker

call mom...

I know enough to know that when you're in a pickle.....call Mom.

- Jennifer Garner

finishing sentences...

I love being married. I was single for a long time, and i just got so sick of finishing my own sentences.

- Brian Kiley

Natural Beauty...

Natural beauty takes at least two hours in front of a mirror.

- Pamela Anderson

Sincerity....

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

- Oscar Wilde

apron...

One of the few articles of clothing that a man won't try to remove from a woman is an apron.

- Marilyn Von Savant

engineers....

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

- Scott Adams (in The Dilbert Principle)

married....

An ad in the newspaper...

"Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes; College edition Webster's Dictionary, like new; thesaurus, not used. All in excellent condition.
No longer needed....recently married. Wife knows everything."

cheap suits...

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

- Warren Buffett

wisdom...

Do you not know, my son, with how little wisdom the world is governed.

- Count Oxenstierna

beauty...

The problem with beauty is that it's like being born rich and getting poorer.

- Joan Collins

age...

Age is a state of mind.
Youth and age exist only among the ordinary people.
All the more talented and exceptional of us; are sometimes old,
just as we are sometimes happy, and sometimes sad.

- Hermann Hesse

human brain...

The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

- George Jessel

housekeeping....

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

why me?...a peanuts classic....

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Why Me?"...
Then a voice answers "Nothing personal...your name just happened to come up..."

- Charlie Brown (Peanuts)

heaven / hell....

Go to heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

- Mark Twain